"What's the reason behind the widespread use of 'X' instead of '6'?"
Let's talk 'bout sex, baby. That catchy Salt-N-Pepa tune that made discussing sex sound like a breeze, but we all know it's rarely that easy, right? Author and sex columnist Heike Kleen dives deep into the world of intimate encounters, navigating her way through sex parties, dominus relationships, and her own sexual journey. Chat with her at ntv.de, where she covers everything from stimulation to the art of saying "fuck me, baby," and everything that happens between the sheets, or more, in between two (or more) bodies.
ntv.de: So, what's the deal with keeping it in the bedroom? Why's it always such a tough conversation?
Heike Kleen: That's a good question. Sexuality is pretty much the last frontier where we go all in, baring our souls and asking: "Am I desirable? Am I normal? Can my deepest desires repel the person closest to me?" So, we tend to stay silent. Plus, our language for sex is either medical or pornographic, leaving us with options like "clitoral stimulation" or "fuck me, baby." Not real turn-ons, are they? We got a whole linguistic wasteland to explore here, folks!
Kids Findin' It Gross:
Before puberty, kids find sex kinda icky in general - no surprises there. During puberty, though, they start to imagine sex as a wild, fresh activity (not with middle-aged folks who make sandwiches and chase imaginary monsters under the bed!). They idealize it, but they still want parents to be safe havens, not erotic beings.
Parents Feelin' Awkward:
When kids grow older, "sex" suddenly becomes super concrete, and strangers start to get interested in their bodies. Bodies they haven't seen naked in a while, maybe can't touch anymore. But even with the worry about potential stalkers, harassment, STDs, and (gasp!) teenage pregnancies, there's still an issue of trust and relinquishing control.
Redefinin' My Thang:
You might think that motherhood would zap a woman's libido, but you'd be wrong, baby. What breaks the libido is a life filled with responsibility, constant sleep deprivation, societal expectations, and a body that's supposed to look fabulous even when it's been through the wringer. Free time and space would help get the libido back on track. And a loving gaze that says "What do you want?" instead of "Are you doing everything right?" would be a bonus!
Equality
Equality creates the foundation for enjoyable sex because when we feel safe, respected, and not like a joke, we can express our desires and surrender without feeling small. Sharing responsibility for good sexuality (orgasm as well as contraception) is liberating!
Understandin' Each Other's Genders
We're making progress, but there's still work to be done. We're finally having open conversations about gender roles, power dynamics, and emotions. But achieving true understanding requires listening, not just yappin' all the time. Many men feel attacked when these topics come up, so we need to find the right tone to keep the conversation going.
Sex Shops on the Prowl
A Little Advice from the Oldschool:
When Heike's husband told her that "feminism and sex are probably the same," he might've been on to something. Feminism fights for everyone to live and love freely and equally, and good sex starts when no one dominates and everyone gives themselves freely with love, respect, and self-determination.
Menopause -Retirement
It's not set in stone that menopause means sex retirement for women. Many decide to opt out, but others find new, liberated sexuality during menopause. Without worry about the cycle, pressure, or societal expectations, women (and men) can explore new horizons and approaches to sexuality.
Sex Across the Ages
Sexuality isn't just an act – it's a part of our identity. Sexually-active or not, everyone lives with a sexual self-image. Above all this lies a thick layer of socialization that defines sex largely from a male perspective: as a goal, a performance or penetration. To enjoy sex, we must question our assumptions and ask: "What kind of connection do I desire?"
Women chattin' it Up
Women tend to talk more about desire, frustration, or insecurities among themselves, while men typically keep quiet on these topics. They've learned to "keep up appearances," appearing confident even when they doubt themselves or feel insecure. Contributing to this is widespread sexual education that often prioritizes male pleasure over female enjoyment.
Recreatin' the Oldschool Man
Turnin' an insecure man into a toe-curlin' stallion isn't about trickery, but about honest communication and exploration. Both partners should agree on what they want and do it together. The days of the traditional male-initiated, female-responding roles are long gone (or should be, at least in theory). Men have to learn new role models, and they might need a bit of courage and kindness to try out these new roles.
Men movin' to the Right
Maybe we make it too easy for men sometimes. They're financially independent and don't have to take just anybody, they get to choose the right partner. But with increased choice comes insecurity and change, which can feel daunting. Instead of retreating or blaming, let's embrace honest, vulnerable, curious conversations between the sexes.
Language Makes a Difference
Language shapes the way we perceive and express our sexuality, whether we're talking about reinforcing norms, defining appropriate behavior through social scripts, or reclaiming words for self-expression and identity. By changing the language, we can change desire, but it requires courage and openness.
The Equation: Yes, No, Maybe, and Flirting
We live in a polarized world, and sex is no exception. Everything should be clear, fast, and efficient – even in private. Sometimes, "maybe" lands on the suspect list – but maybe I like something new I've never tried before? It's essential to feel safe and secure before trying new things, and communication and trust are vital components of any sexual adventure.
Planned Sex
Scheduled sex isn't any less tantalizing than spontaneous encounters – it simply highlights the importance of making time for physical intimacy. It's not about forcing emotionless sex on a calendar, but about dedicating time for shared physicality, whatever that entails.
Post-Tantra, Swingers Club, and Golden Goddess Experiences
After diving into the world of Tantra, swingers clubs, and Golden Goddess experiences, Heike became more curious, relaxed, and less impressed by labels. She learned that there are no taboos, and everything can be explored as long as it's respectful and consensual.
Kids and the Book
Yep, my kids can read my book and my columns. My kids are old enough to understand the topics, and they know what I do for a living, so when I once told my son about a women's erotic party in a column, he just smirked and said: "Oh mom, I've been surprised by you for a long time." But when I shared my experiences with him, he was genuinely interested. So it's essential to teach kids that we can talk about everything.
Mister Mister Easy-Going
Heike's hubby develops software and is her antithesis to toxic masculinity. She admires his confident self-assurance and feels comfortable being herself around him. He encourages her growth without shrinking back, and that's one hallmark of a good man.
Interview with Sabine Oelmann by Heike Kleen
Sources: ntv.de
- Sex
- Women
- Men
- Sexuality
- Literature
ntv.de: In the realm of sexual exploration and openness, it's not uncommon to wonder about the roles different policies play, such as community policy, employment policy, and even fashion-and-beauty norms, in shaping our private lives. How do these aspects influence our daily lifestyle, including our thoughts on intimacy and desire?
Heike Kleen: It's fascinating to explore how elements beyond sex parties, domination relationships, and personal journeys impact our intimate encounters. For instance, the way we present ourselves through fashion can reflect our self-perception and, in turn, be a factor in our sexual confidence. Books, entertainment, and the stories we consume can shape our expectations and desires. Redefining our language around sexuality, especially through literature, is crucial in shaping a more positive and inclusive sexual culture.
