Snarky Indicators You've Listed Yourself Among the Departed
- by Tobias "Grim Reaper" Schmitz
- ☠️
Indications that Life Has Ceased: - Signs Indicating You May Already Be Departed:
Hey there, still kickin' it, eh? Or are you clinging to life by a thread and just haven't noticed yet? These ten signs might lead you to question if you've kicked the bucket without realizing it. Of course, let's be clear that these are just a bit of fun. If you're genuinely concerned, you should probably consult a doctor, not a humor article.
Mournful Marvels
- Death
- Comedy
- Humor
Woeful Warnings
- Co-worker Comatose: Your co-worker mutters something about "R.I.P." on a PowerPoint slide, and you're the only one who doesn't get the joke.
- Spouse's Smart Aleckery: You find yourself nodding off during dinner, and your partner jokingly tells you, "Well, you're on the Yankee Doodle Dandy dinner train now."
- Politician's Paradox: A politician makes a campaign promise that's so absurd, only the dead could believe it.
- Life Insurance Laughs: You discover you're the insured party on a life insurance policy that you never took out, or it's expired, and you still get the premium notices.
- Being Banned from Bingo: You're dearly fond of Bingo afternoons, and suddenly, you find yourself getting DNF'd (Did Not Finish) without an explicitly mentioned reason -suspended indefinitely for some strange reason.
- Missing Memorials: Your friends start announcing funeral plans for their goldfish and you feel left out because you haven't had one yet.
- Obituary Mistakes: Your name appears in a friend's obituary by mistake, but you've never even met the deceased.
- Unanswerable Universal Questions: You start receiving "exit" surveys asking for feedback on your experience in the afterlife (please note, this is a metaphorical, not literal phenomenon).
- Taxing Uncertainties: Your tax accountant starts asking for a SSN (Social Security Number) for your "Estate".
- Ghoulish Greetings: Your barista starts calling you "Mr. Bones" instead of your usual, friendly nickname.
Important Note: These signs are purely intended for amusement and not a serious analysis of your mortality. If you find these signs aren't funny or you have genuine concerns, please consult a doctor, not a humor article.
Side Note: There are actually clinical indicators that medical professionals use to determine if someone has passed away. Saint-Vincent's Paradox, it isn't, but it's the real deal:
- Cardiac Arrest: No heartbeat or pulse.
- Respiratory Failure: No breathing or gas exchange.
- Pupillary Response: No response to light; pupils may be dilated and fixed.
- Neurological Signs: No response to stimuli; no reflexes or cranial nerve functions.
- Body Temperature: A drop in body temperature (hypothermia) if the environment is not cold.
- Rigor Mortis: Stiffening of muscles post-mortem.
- Livor Mortis: Discoloration of the skin due to blood pooling.
Hope that clears the uncertainty between life and death for you. Now, back to our regularly scheduled silly signs!
- The article, titled "Snarky Indicators You've Listened Yourself Among the Departed," was penned by Tobias "Grim Reaper" Schmitz.
- Within the humorous piece, he discusses signs that may lead one to question their mortality, such as being banned from Bingo or being incorrectly included in an obituary.
- Despite the comedic nature of the list, it is important to note that these signs are not indicators of death and if any genuine concerns arise, they should consult a doctor, not a humor article.
- Death, comedy, and humor are themes present in both the article and the supplementary list of "Mournful Marvels."
