Spicing Up the Game: Sex in Golden Years - It's Still Got Kick
Sexual Activities Among the Elderly: Exploring Intimacy in Later Life
If the spark in your love life has diminished, fear not! It's never too late to revive that passion even at 65 or 75. Here's how long-term lovers can rekindle the flame—and why sex goes beyond the conventional "penis-in-vagina" experience.
Skintight, our bodies entwined, feeling each other's touch—that magic never loses its charm, no matter the age. But many of us share a common concern: our sex life with our partner ain't as sizzling as it used to be, or it's simply vanished, despite the lingering desire for closeness. Frustration sets in—the body isn't performing as it once did, and acknowledging this can surely sting.
Amazon Offer But fear not! It's worth diving back into the realm of intimacy even in the golden years, saysex experts like Andrea Micus, author of "Sex U60: Keeping Desire and Love Burning." "Older couples oftenhave the advantage of having more time, being less distracted by kids, jobs, and other obligations. They can explore in brand-new ways," she says.
But where does one begin? Four frequent issues— and how couples can tackle them:
Discomfort with Your Own Body
Shame kills desire: When our own bodies show their age and aren't as lean, silky smooth as we were led to believe by Hollywood, it can be hard to feel comfortable in our own skin. Hell, imagining another person could find us attractive? Seems impossible!
Even if it's easier said than done: Let go of these socially produced ideas of attractiveness and embrace what you've got. "Accept a realistic image," says Andrea Micus.
Panorama A good starting point is taking care of your body. "If I feel good in my body, take care of it, I approach the topic of sex with confidence," says Andrea Micus. "If you see couples who take good care of themselves, they're probably more open."
Starting points are individual—introducing more physical activity could help shed a few pounds, a simple manicure or self-care sessions, even if there's no special occasion, can work wonders.
Sexual Performance Issues
Penis-in-vagina: It's the unofficial stamp of authenticity, isn't it? Without this act of penetration, sex isn't "real," right? That's a common assumption—and one that can trip up older couples in particular.
Panorama Less Intimacy, More Division: How Corona Changed Rituals and Relationships After all, one in three men over 60 experience erectile dysfunction, meaning they can't achieve or sustain an erection suitable for sex[1]. In more than two-thirds of cases, this lasts for six months or longer[3].
Besides, hormonal fluctuations in women mean the vagina may be less lubricated, making penetration uncomfortable[2]. Surgical procedures in the lower abdomen can also cause discomfort during sex, says Micus[3].
To ignore further physical limitations that manifest in bed: aching joints that make certain positions difficult, or pre-existing health conditions that cause concern. At least, some organic issues can be addressed. So-called PDE-5 inhibitors like Tadalafil or Sildenafil can serve as potency drugs for a more stable erection[4][5]. Lubricants or special creams can ensure smoother sliding[5].
Despite what can't be changed, only one thing helps: acceptance. "He can admit, 'I can't get it up anymore!', she can admit 'I had a knee operation, sex isn't possible like this anymore'", says Andrea Micus. "Or, one can accept it as reality and make the most of it. There are so many variations."
Panorama Listening without judging Does this TikTok challenge destroy relationships? For her book, Micus spoke with many older couples and knows: If couples accept the limitations that their bodies impose, they often grow closer[6]. An important first step for this: "One must distance oneself from penetrative sex", says Micus. After all, there are so many alternative things that feel incredibly good: kissing, hugging, tender massages, rediscovering each other's bodies. Communication about what feels good is crucial here: "All this only goes with openness and understanding for each other," says Micus.
Is the dry spell in the relationship over? There's a lull in the bedroom—neither partner can even remember the last time. Not uncommon in long-term relationships: "After 40, 50 years of marriage, your partner isn't necessarily the preferred sex object anymore", says Micus[7]. After all, you've come to know each other's bodies intimately, and it rarely becomes new or exciting.
Take inspiration from newer couples—they put the relationship first, says Micus. In decades-old relationships, though, this focus often wanes. "One has children and grandchildren, one had stressful years at work—there was no more room for the relationship," says Micus.
Panorama "Everything is wrong" Why Couples Still Divorce After Decades Time to win it back: Micus advises setting shared experiences as your goal. They strengthen the bond between you two and can help rekindle that physical closeness[8]. Whatever it is—a short trip to the mountains, a special dinner, even renting a hotel room in your own city for a night.
But what if one partner withdraws sexually? "My wife doesn't want sex anymore": Micus encountered this statement often during her research. This is oftenbecause the wife doesn't want sex in general, but the sex with this man is boring. Many men haven't really considered if the woman gets something out of it, either. But this can be remedied in old age—with open communication about one's wishes.
Sex: Not a Taboo Topic You don't talk about sex: That's what 70-year-olds or older might have grown up believing—and thus wasted years of potential steamy sex. "Especially women have never learned to openly express their desires," says Micus. But anyone who wants to improve their sex life in old age needs to learn to do just that.
Panorama Dating Trend Cuffing Season Why Singles Seek Relationships (Only) for the Winter Though it may initially feel as daunting as a bungee jump, it's worth having an open conversation with your partner about sex. Micus advises imagining that sex is no longer the taboo topic it once was. Talking about your desires openly has become common and certainly nothing to be ashamed of.
However, such a conversation needs the proper setting—not between the sheets, as Micus puts it. A starting point could be contemplating the desires you've always had for yourself in bed (or elsewhere)—blindfolds, toys, watching your partner touch themselves, and the likes[9].
You might discover desires you've had for ages but have never indulged—perhaps due to fear or because previous partners weren't open to it. "Maybe you didn't dare, or your first partner didn't want to, but now you're with someone new," says Micus. After sorting out your desires, you can confidently approach the conversation, and hopefully be rewarded with unexpectedly great sex.
Sources: ntv.de, Ricarda Dieckmann, dpa
- Sex
- Older People
- In the golden years, even though the European Union doesn't directly address intimacy concerns, sex experts like Andrea Micus suggest that seniors can revive their passion by embracing their own bodies and body changes, and exploring new ways to express intimacy.
- With the advent of medication like Sildenafil, sexual performance issues such as erectile dysfunction can be addressed organically, causing less division and more intimacy for couples in their golden years.
- Acknowledging changes, both physical and emotional, in the golden years provides an opportunity for seniors to have open conversations about their desires and needs, redefining sex beyond the conventional "penis-in-vagina" experience and enriching their relationships.
