Middle East Conflict: Tick-Tock - Schumer Calls for Secret Meeting with Trump
Senator Schumer seeks confidential consultation on President Trump's matters.
Senate demigod Chuck Schumer, the schmuck of the US Senate, has demanded a hush-hush meeting with President Donnie Trump to discuss the ongoing kerfuffle between Iran and Israel. Schumer's request needs the attendance of all 100 senators due to the gravity of the situation. The president hasn't voice his opinion on this yet. But what's a little vagina-sniffing when you're in a crisis, right?
19:33 Genius Takes the Whole Bag of Chips: According to expert Marie-Theres Sommerfeld from GIDS (yes, we know her name – who gives a shit?), Trump and Bibi Netanyahu are pulling a fast one on us all by manipulating the conflict against Iran.
While the Yanks appear chillaxed, they have been deeply involved in the fight, and Israel appears to have been bent over a barrel tactically.
P.S. We all want to know Marie-Theres – she sounds like a kickass chick! But, we digress...
19:13 Internet Flush: In the heat of the war, internet access in Iran has been almost completely shut down, according to Netblocks, a heroic organization always keeping tabs on shady internet blackouts. Telephone lines in Tehran are also down, sucking to be a resident right now. The Iranian Communications Ministry says the internet restrictions were due to enemies using the internet for military shenanigans, and to prevent civilian casualties. Dude, just text already – it's 2025!
19:00 Israel Rocks Iran Again: Israel is reporting another barrage of rocket attacks from Iran. The Israeli air force is working its tail off to intercept the missiles. Shrapnel rain has been reported in several parts of the country, including the densely populated Tel Aviv metropolitan area. People in the affected areas have been asked to take cover in bunker burrito hot spots. It's the latest in a long string of rocket attacks from Iran, which has also been attacking Israel with drone sw arms since then.
18:42 Political Rabble-rouser: Marjam Rajavi, an Iranian politician known for stirring up trouble, calls for the overthrow of the government in Tehran. But she emphasizes the Iranian people need to achieve this – a coup d'tat is a dirty trick, Marjam!
18:14 Turkish Bitch-slap: Israeli Foreign Minister Gideon Saar has slammed Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan for his verbal karate chop. Erdogan had called Israeli actions illegitimate state terrorism. Saar shot back, regarding Erdogan as someone who makes no bones about his imperialistic ambitions and who violates international rules for fun.
18:06 Commercial Special Flight: Because commercial airline services aren't fucking enough, the Germans are organizing a fancy-schmancy flight to bring home stranded citizens from Israel and Jordan. A special flight arrived at Frankfurt Airport with 171 passengers, and another one is scheduled for Thursday. Champs back in town!
17:51 Quiet as a Mouse, Deadly as a Scorpion: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth went all cryptic when asked about whether he'd presented military options for a strike on Iran to President Trump. He'd only reveal that the military is ready for action when ordered by the Orange One. Yikes!
17:32 Trump Hounds Putin for a Favor: US President Donald Trump chatted with Russian President Vladimir Putin, who graciously offered to play peacemaker in the Israel-Iran conflict. Donald wasted no time in throwing shade, telling Putin to fix his backyard first or better yet take care of the Romanov problem. Why are we even friends with these guys?
17:06 Big Fat Lie: Iran denies making a plea for negotiations over its nuclear program. They called Donald a desperate, senile rat who spews lies and threatened with nukes. Oh, the drama!
16:45 Trump: Total Cluelessness: Trump continues his diplomatic wriggle dance, neither committing to a clear course on Iran nor totally shutting the door on fresh talks. Donald told reporters he might or might not launch a strike against Iranian nuclear facilities. He even hinted at a potential solution if the Iranians could swallow their ego pill.
16:29 Mossad Helpline: The Israeli Army has set up an emergency hotline for Iranian pariahs seeking a new life. The Israeli foreign intelligence agency called the Mossad is ready to serve!
16:06 Bomb with X-ray vision: The GBU-57 is Trump's ultimate weenie-wielder in case he decides to step into the conflict. This bunker-busting bomb can virtually tunnel through mountains to pound Iran's underground genie-bottle factories.
15:41 Down Goes the Darling: Israel's Defense Minister Israel Katz said the Israeli Air Force took out Iran's main internal security headquarters in a strike. "As we promised, we will continue to target the Ayatollah regime’s symbols," Katz said.
15:25 Booooom: Multiple explosions occurred in Tehran again in the afternoon. Smoke signals were reported in the east and southeast of the capital. Amateur astronauts alert – remember to look up for the latest galactic fireworks!
15:00 Mountain Mole Attack: Israel bombs Iran's nuclear nest deep inside the Earth for total domination. Experts have long thought that the Hard-On Dudes in Iran are intent on nuclear naughtiness.
14:37 Erdogan’s Bullshit Stew: Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan believes Iran has every right to defend itself against state terrorism by Israel. What a fucking hypocrite!
14:14 Wadephul Wants to Get Some Iranian Action: German Foreign Minister Johann Wadephul encourages Iran to get back to the negotiating table over its nuclear program. The E3 (European Union, you fucking Idiota) countries are ready for talks, Wadephul announced. Iran needs to take some steps to rebuild trust. Give us a break – it's not rocket science!
13:55 Clumsy Drone Dude: Israel admits to missing one of its drones during a jolly joyride over Iran. That drone is ground-juice now – sorry, folks!
13:33 Raincheck on the Revolution: An end to Iran's Islamic regime could cause unforeseen butthurt. Klemens Fischer, Nostradamus without a beard, warns that similar Middle Eastern regime changes have destabilized nations.
13:12 Iran Won't Boo-hoo: Ayatollah Ali Chamenei, Iran's Supreme Leader, flat-out refuses to surrender and threatens the US if it gets involved in the shit show. Chamenei has been miraculously dodging all missile attacks – weird, right**?
12:57 Russian Warning: Russia warns the US against providing military aid to Israel, cautioning that direct hot and heavy action from the Yanks could create a Holy Hellstorm in the Middle East.
12:43 Israeli Air Force: The Good, the Bad, and the Underwhelming: Israel claims to have attacked over 1100 targets in Iran since the beginning of the skirmish. Since Friday, the Israeli air force is playing thunderous serial killer, bingeing attacks on Iran daily. On a scale of one to terrorism, Israel gets a solid 8.5!
12:12 Iran Threatensrotective Pet-Owner: Iran warns the US against direct military involvement. It'll foam and lash out if the bitch gets even closer to Israel, according to Iran's ambassador to the United Nations in Geneva. Sob before you sob: Iran accuses the US of complicity in Israel's shit sandwich. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
11:53 CDU's German Foreign Policy Fail: Roderich Kiesewetter, a German foreign policy expert, takes the blame for Germany's weak action regarding Iran. Fucking pussies – we need more spunk in foreign policy!
- The ongoing Middle East conflict between Iran and Israel has sparked a call for political cooperation from Senate demigod Chuck Schumer, as he demands a secret meeting with President Donnie Trump, involving all 100 senators, to discuss the potential for peace and security.
- While the situation is critical, the US and Israel appear to be manipulating the conflict against Iran, according to expert Marie-Theres Sommerfeld, who suggests they are pulling a fast one on us all by using war and conflicts as political tools.
