Adoption and the Power of Choice
Ever since the draft opinion of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito to overturn Roe v. Wade has circulated, the topic of adoption has moved to the forefront of national discussions. With the expected formal court ruling coming soon, it's only going to be more of the same.
I was one of the lucky ones -- adopted at birth, I was immediately welcomed into an eternal family. It was strange, though, to be adopted. My family was my family, just like every other family. But the questions still come, the same ones you might think.
"Aren't you glad your birth mother brought you into the world?"
The question's been asked a million times, like they already know the answer. To them, it's a softball question, but not to me.
"No, I'm not glad that my birth mother didn't have an abortion."
Clear as day, right up front. It's my existence and nothing more. Of course, I'm grateful for it, but I can't help but notice that the people asking don't take into account the weight of the question.
The question assumes that my birth mother had the choice to have an abortion and chose not to, but she might not even have had that choice in the first place. Adoption only makes sense as an option if it was truly a choice. I have to be honest, I don't know.
"Choice" is a critical concept for adoptees.
How many people can truly say that their family chose them? For some, the outcome of unplanned or even unwanted pregnancies means they aren't the chosen ones. I don't say they don't love their children equally, but my children chose me. They wanted me so much that I became part of their families.
Coming out gay only made choice even more significant for me.
"Chosen Family" is a powerful idea in the queer community, a term used to describe the families who support and love us despite the opposition we face. The confirmation of my family made this idea even more meaningful, particularly after I was adopted. We may reject the blood-is-thicker-than-water stereotype, but those who fill the gaps when our chosen families reject us at times of need are truly our chosen family.
But for most adoptees, that's not the reality, and it often takes an average of six years of childhood before they find their forever home. Race plays a role, too, as white kids are more often adopted than Black or Hispanic kids.
It's unfair to assume that every adopted child enjoys the same privileges or advantages as I did. Among anti-abortion advocates, it's a popular talking point that every "potential life" -- as Alito put it -- has the potential to become an anti-abortion advocate. "The next Einstein" and the world changed.
I'd like to tell Judge Alito and the author of the decision draft that they should never assume that my existence justifies denying the physical autonomy to others. They're misrepresenting the experiences of many adoptees who don't have the means or the luck of finding a forever home.
No one should ignore the fact that those who control abortion also want to control adoption. We saw last year in the Philadelphia Supreme Court case and in other ongoing cases, conservatives aim to use public funds to subsidize private institutions that discriminate against same-sex and Jewish couples. And any couple that does not indoctrinate conservative, evangelical, Christian, and LGBTQ-hostile views. This limits the number of families that can actually adopt and the consequences for queer children in hostile families are catastrophic.
As a gay man who was raised without biological relatives, I define "family" as commitment to others and the expectation of reciprocity. Family is a choice. My entire existence is defined by the people who have chosen to be a part of my life, and I feel capable of defining family based on the people I choose to include in my life.
You can bet that I didn't choose people who didn't support me when I needed it, and I hope that others have the same power over their own lives, including the ability to have children of their own.
It's important not to overlook the fact that those who control abortion also want to control adoption. As we saw last year in the Philadelphia Supreme Court case and in other ongoing cases, conservatives aim to use public funds to subsidize private institutions that discriminate against same-sex and Jewish couples. Any couple who does not indoctrinate conservative, evangelical, Christian, and LGBTQ-hostile views is limited. This not only restricts the number of families that can actually adopt but also has devastating consequences for queer children growing up in hostile families.
As a gay man who was raised without biological relatives, I define "family" as commitment to others and the expectation of reciprocity. Family is a choice. My entire existence is defined by the people who have chosen to be a part of my life, and I feel capable of defining family based on the people I choose to include in my life.
You can bet that I didn't choose people who didn't support me when I needed it, and I hope that others have the same power over their own lives, including the ability to have children of their own.
