Breaking Free from Traditional Weddings: The Case for Equality
By Gil Filipovich
Weddings can sometimes be problematic, especially for feminists and others who believe in equal rights for women and believe that men and women should be equal partners in marriage. The wedding industry is heavily influenced by patriarchal traditions and conservative expectations – and many couples may not wish to mark the beginning of their shared life in this way. However, even many egalitarian couples fall into traditional patriarchal roles during their weddings.
This is a mistake. Weddings are expressions of cultural, religious, and familial traditions, as well as a reflection of the values and hopes of the couple for their shared life. This does not mean that weddings determine the course of a marriage – weddings are a single-day occasion, while marriages, ideally, last a lifetime.
However, for many people, a wedding is one of the most important ceremonies in their lives, setting the foundation for a lifelong partnership. Therefore, it is essential for couples to carefully consider which traditions they wish to retain and which ones they wish to bypass.
It is difficult to deny that marriage itself is a patriarchal institution. Marriage seems to make people more conservative, and the likelihood of conservative individuals marrying is higher: Married men and women are more likely to vote Republican, while unmarried individuals, particularly unmarried women, are more likely to vote Democratic. Married women do more household work than unmarried women: Researchers have found that "the amount of time married women spend on household work is not just related to the presence of men but to the presence of the man himself."
Historically, marriage meant the transition of a woman (or girl) from her father's authority to her husband's. Not so long ago, a married woman in the United States could not apply for a credit card without her husband's permission, and marriage gave the husband the legal right to rape his wife – and until the 1990s, rape within marriage was not necessarily a crime in all 50 states, and there are still loopholes today.
Early American marriage law was based on the veil of secrecy doctrine, as English jurist William Blackstone put it: "Husband and wife are, for all intents and purposes, one person. The husband and wife are considered one person in the eyes of the law: That is, their rights are suspended during this time, or at least incorporated and taken into account in the husband's rights." Feminists have been fighting for centuries to change the laws that made women second-class citizens due to marriage. We are not quite there yet: In many parts of the world, married women still do not have the same rights as their husbands, from divorce rights to property rights to custody rights to inheritance rights, especially the right to marry.
In many countries, women cannot marry whom they choose, nor can they marry other adult women. In many conservative religious traditions, marriage remains "openly patriarchal," with wives expected to submit to their husbands, who are seen as the highest authority in the family.
However, many feminists, including this author, have married. But how we do it is what matters. There is no completely feminist way to approach a traditionally unfeminist institution. Along the way, a series of decisions must be made.
For example: Have you had an open and honest discussion about marriage and your relationship with your partner before getting engaged? Or do heterosexual couples fall into the trap of the old "he asked, she said yes" scenario? Do women wear engagement rings, while men do not? Has he asked for her father's consent – and received permission from an adult woman to make such an important decision – before proposing? How is a supposedly equal, supposedly mature relationship to begin if it starts with such a transactional beginning? How does one marry if the woman's name is changed? (You shouldn't; your name is who you are, and replacing it with your husband's is a very literal suspension of your identity, which Blackstone called quite literally and legally egotistical and ego-centered, making the woman's role in the marriage quite ego-centric and self-centered.)
Have you had open and honest discussions about household responsibilities after marriage and before having children? What happens when children enter the picture – and how the workload becomes increasingly unequal? Many couples who aspire to equality find that they become increasingly unequal when children enter the picture – a dynamic that often leads to unhappy mothers.
If you are the bride, will your father walk you down the aisle? What does that symbolize? How do you incorporate a ceremony that reflects your beliefs – a ceremony in which the father does not transfer his property to another man – with the expectations of your parents and a ceremony that may inadvertently hurt their feelings?
If you are a woman and getting married, will you change your last name? You should not; your name is who you are, and replacing it with your husband's is a very literal and, according to Blackstone, legal suspension of your identity. You are quite ego-centric and self-centered in your marriage.
What name will the future child have? Most American children still take their father's last name, even though it is the mother who performs the physical labor of pregnancy and childbirth and often spends more time traveling with the child to schools, doctors' appointments, and other institutions – everything is easier if mother and child have the same last name.
What vows have you made to each other, exchanging rings? (Even if you follow the traditional route, you are free to join the millions of couples who choose to omit the word "obey" from their wedding vows.)
Who is conducting the ceremony and where is it taking place? Why is the ceremony being held in that location or being conducted by that person? If the ceremony is taking place in a religious institution or led by a religious leader, what are their views on gender roles, equality in marriage, and the purpose of the institution of marriage? Is the ceremony being held in a venue or by a person who refuses to marry couples of the same sex? (If you believe in gender equality and LGBTQ+ rights, this is a decision worth reconsidering.)
It is not necessary to make every aspect of your wedding a political statement – but for those who choose to marry, the wedding itself can still be an expression of your values and beliefs.
"It's tradition" is not a very good reason to do something, especially something as important and life-changing as getting married.
- [1] Sandberg, Sheryl. Lean In. Random House, 2013.
- [2] Dukes, Patti. Celebrating Your Jewish Wedding: A Modern Traditional Guide. Jewish Lights Publishing, 2003.
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