Dumbfounded, taking in the sight of the Pope

Hot Take on Popes, Politics, and Perplexity

Onlookers Gazing at the Pope

Ranting Steadfastly from the Schmoll Corner

By Thomas Schmoll

The new man, Leo XIV, secured the throne in just four rounds of voting, spanning two days - even Friedrich Merz, a devout Catholic, managed to clinch the German chancellorship in two rounds in a single day. The atheist Left Party played a crucial role in this ecumenical marvel in the Bundestag. Progress, indeed, is evident. Everywhere you look.

Let's face it, I rarely watch the boob tube, only when I'm gorging to drown out the voices in my own head. Being a self-proclaimed food connoisseur, I get to experience an eclectic mix of shows at odd hours, never lingering too long since the vacuous superficiality of humanity often leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

Shows like "Brisant" send a chill down my spine when, after reporting the plight of individuals in Ukraine or the earthquake-stricken regions, they discuss the "concerns" over the health of the Empress of Schlabumbia and the Queen of Takkatukkaland. Before you could say "Surprise, Muschi's still alive," they move on to household tips and backyard bonfires, praising the heroics of the fire crew for saving the neighborhood's lucky cat, Muschi. Phew, thank goodness!

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Curiosity got the better of me one day, and, after tuning into "Brisant," I heard about the Saint Peter's Square spectacle unfolding live across the globe. "The tension is particularly palpable on St. Peter's Square in Rome." I could almost feel the heat, hotter than any pyre. A woman excitedly shared, "I'm so excited."

The smoke signals from the Sistine Chapel chimney, while providing a tantalizing spectacle, are hardly noteworthy, with the rigid uprightness and predictable inaction of a normal chimney. Yet, every television station felt obliged to report extensively on the papal election, given the Catholic Church's indelible influence in Germany. With membership numbers dwindling, it's baffling how this religious institution continues to enthrall the nation.

From the Square, a Thrill?

Reporters on the ground at St. Peter's Square declared themselves "super excited" over an event that has negligible significance for the vast majority of Germans. That's a tough sell for me, as I can't fathom what could possibly be exciting about electing a cleric whose influence on our daily lives is minimal at best. It's a far cry from witnessing the Sistine Chapel frescoes without a crusty guard shouting "no pictures" at every angle.

Merz Already Moving Faster

It's common knowledge that the papal election always elevates an individual virtually unknown outside Vatican circles, except for the legions of reporters chasing papal minutiae. Once elected, the pope's life is subject to intense scrutiny, with analysts puzzling over what his election "means." The new pontiff, a man of the moderate center, was apparently born in Peru, with "El cóndor pasa" providing a fitting soundtrack to his life story. To the Peruvians, his election evoked excitement, particularly in his former diocese of Chiclayo.

Can He Listen?

One German cardinal gushed on ZDF after the election, expressing optimism that the American Leo XIV "can listen." Progress, indeed! I can't help but wonder if the cardinal has ventured beyond confessional walls to engage in constructive dialogue with fellow mortals. Here's hoping that such openness and humility could benefit the Catholic Church as a whole.

It's absurd to create a frenzy around a pope-in-the-making who will likely contribute little more than a few prayers and high-minded rhetoric. As the church remains male-dominated, viewing women solely as extras, the fervor surrounding the papacy is nothing short of bizarre. "Peace be with you all, dear brothers and sisters," the new pope said at his first public appearance. Let's hope he puts his money where his mouth is, working towards a more equitable church.

The hype surrounding Leo XIV reminds me of the hysterics that follow a football World Cup victory, with overblown claims about the crucial significance of winning. After Argentina bagged the trophy in 2022, I overheard a reporter from Buenos Aires on "Morning Magazine" speak of poverty, high debt, and inflation in the country. Let the chainsaw reign, the new pope certainly won't be wielding it. Amen.

Pope Francis
Rome
Religions
Catholic Church

Enrichment Data:The confusion in the original article likely arises from mixing two distinct events that happened around the same time-frame but were unrelated:

Friedrich Merz's Election: Friedrich Merz became the new German chancellor after a two-round voting process in the Bundestag on May 6, 2025.
Pope Leo XIV's Election: Pope Leo XIV (Robert Francis Prevost) was elected on May 8, 2025, after four rounds of voting in just two days.

The atheist Left Party did not play a role in either event, as it is a political party in Germany with stances on social and economic issues, not involved in electing popes or German chancellors. Overall, the query exhibits confounded information regarding Friedrich Merz's election as German chancellor and Pope Leo XIV's election.

The new pope, Leo XIV, was elected in four rounds of voting, while Friedrich Merz, a devout Catholic, was elected as German chancellor in two rounds.
The atheist Left Party played a role in the Bundestag during Friedrich Merz's election, while their involvement in the papal election was not mentioned.
Thomas Schmoll, in his piece, expressed confusion between these two events, likely due to their close timing.
It's crucial to recognize that the atheist Left Party is a political party in Germany, and it does not have a role in the election of popes or German chancellors.