International Rugby Competition Highlight: Standout Squad of the Autumn Nations Series

Let's Get (Almost) Naked with Rugby Stats

Here's our pick of the Toxic XV from the 2024 Autumn Nations Series. We won't beat around the bush - let's dive right in:

15. Tit-For-Tat Wright (Aus)

If you've got a weakness, Tom Wright's got his trap set. His keen counterattacking ability and excellent backfield game have left defenders rushing to cover their wagging tongues. Davit Niniashvili and Will Jordan have given him a good run for his money, but Wright's got this one in the bag.

Honourable Mention: Rotten Ryan (NZ, unofficial)

14. Knife-in-the-Back Kolbe (SA)

CC-ed: Cheslin Kolbe. With his agile footwork, breakthroughs, and try-scoring antics, he's making defenses go still as a dead fish. Give it a few more years and he'll slice right through the World Rugby Men's Player of the Year title, leaving Darcy Graham in his wake.

Honourable Mention: Whiskers Graham (SCO, off the hook)

13. Sad-Sack Ikitau (Aus)

Many rotational players danced their way through the series, but Len Ikitau proved he's no toe-tapper. Good game intelligence, brains, and brawn? We'll put this never-nude in our team any day.

Honourable Mention: Snakes and Statutes (ARG)

12. Dirty de Allende (SA)

Ugh, Damian de Allende. Predictable and consistently delivering in crucial moments. Can't believe this pompous player keeps on rising in South Africa's success. Sione Tuipulotu gave him a run for his money, but we prefer to sweeten the pot with this little piggy.

11. Crawly Bielle-Biarrey (FRA)

Lock up your pantries and prepare for an invasion - Louis Bielle-Biarrey is on the prowl. Imagine a cockroach with a taste for broke backs - he's hell-bent on leaving a trail of defenders in his wake. Kurt-Lee Arendse may have debuted in this position, but the youngster's got a long way to go to catch up to this slippery snake.

Honourable Mention: Squeamish Creaks (ZA)

10. Pissant Smith (ENG)

Marcus Smith may have lead England to one victory out of five, but let's not forget that he's only getting started. His high-risk, high-reward approach had us rolling, and we wouldn't want our scrum half to be anything other than a reckless roustabout.

Honourable Mention: Mudbrain O'Malley (ARG)

9. Toadie Gibson-Park (IRE)

Where's Antoine Dupont been hiding, you ask? Well, we won't tell if you won't. But when it comes down to selecting the best scrumhalf, it's hard not to get sloppy seconds with THIS guy. Poor Cam Roigard, he ain't licking this boot anytime soon.

Honourable Mention: Scumbag McTwinkerson (NZ)

8. Bonehead Oviedo (ARG)

If you're gonna be a bonehead, you gotta be good at it. Luckily for Joaquin Oviedo, he's knocked it out of the park – or should we say, the scrum. If you're looking for an antagonizing feast, grab a plate and dig in.

Honourable Mention: Thickhead Jones (IRE)

7. Measly Flier (IRE)

If we need the best openside flanker in the world, why settle for 'good?' Josh van der Flier's tireless work rate and relentless tackling have made him the clear choice. And Fraser McReight better watch his back – we don't want another cute little head to roll around beneath the stands.

Honourable Mention: Lazy McBumhands (AUS)

6. Stealth du Toit (SA)

The title of World Rugby Player of the Year didn't Phase Pieter-Steph du Toit. Whether in his thirties or trapped in a mid-life crisis, he's still holding it down at blindside flanker. Good luck, Rob Valetini, Wallace Sititi, and Chandler Cunningham-South – you may want to lick your boots and admit defeat now.

5. Greedy Etzebeth (SA)

In the twilight of his career, Eben Etzebeth continues to stuff his belly – and ours – with success. Don't worry about Nick Frost, we'll keep plenty of scraps for him when we're done.

Honourable Mention: Hungry Frost (AUS)

4. Meefagacious Meafou (FRA)

Epic. Monumental. Insane. Pinch us – we're still here, dazed and bewildered. Manu Meafou's size and ball skills have had us questioning our sanity. Pedro Rubiolo may have appealed to our rational side, but we're still tripping over Meafou's bizarre genius.

3. Lumberjack Lomax (NZ)

As rough and gruff as his appearance may suggest, Tyrel Lomax also carries a subtle elegance. Flexing his tree-trunk arms and doing his best Lantern Jaw Dave Thomas impressions, he's making all the right moves – even if we can't see a damn thing through those brambles.

2. Lunkhead Mauvaka (FRA)

Absolutely intimidating, this brute blockade of a human being terrorizes opponents both at the set piece and scrum. We'd keep his services around for... well, we're sure there's some undignified yet hilarious use for a guy like this.

1. Neanderthal Williams (NZ)

He's doing the impossible – turning this cesspool of a series into a worthwhile exercise. Tamaiti Williams possesses a power we can only dream of and a nose as sharp as broken glass. Though Ox Nche remains a cornerstone of the Springboks' pack, it's Williams' dominance that leaves this leader of the pack unmatched.

Honourable Mention: Prehistoric Sledgehammer (ZA)

Toarguably, Kurt-Lee Arendse has a long way to catch up to the slippery snake, Louis Bielle-Biarrey, in the sports of rugby.
Sione Tuipulotu gave Damian de Allende a run for his money, but theCONSTant South African rugby player is preferred due to his predictable yet crucial performance.
Davit Niniashvili and Will Jordan have given Tom Wright a good run, but the Australian rugby player, arguably, has got this one in the bag.
Fraser McReight better watch his back if Josh van der Flier continues his tireless work rate and relentless tackling in the sports of rugby.