Nurturing Kindness Towards Yourself: Science-Backed Methods
Chances are slim that you'd speak to your loved ones in this manner. Yet, when a friend passes through tough times, you'd provide encouraging words and celebrate their hard-earned accomplishments. So, why can't we do the same for ourselves?
How about making it a resolution for this year to show self-kindness more often? By altering our self-talk to incorporate more positive thought patterns, our words can help us transform into a more compassionate, empathetic individual.
Our brain naturally gravitates towards negative experiences
The inner critical voice within our heads can be vocal and hard to ignore. It might tell us we don't deserve that achievement or make us question how we could have done better.
Our brain has evolved to focus more on unpleasant experiences than pleasant ones. This was advantageous for our ancestors as it helped them navigate new environments while preparing for potential threats. Modern stressors like work-related emails or project deadlines can still trigger the same negative self-talk.
When it becomes a habit to blame ourselves, those damaging and degrading comments can harm our self-esteem and intensify our fear, making it harder to complete tasks. Chronic negative self-talk can also exacerbate depression.
According to Catherine Franssen, a distinguished professor of psychology at Longwood University in Virginia, it takes time (roughly two months) to train your brain to quit speaking negatively to yourself. The more we encourage our brain to be kind towards ourselves, the easier it becomes to silence our inner critic once and for all.
Scientifically-supported methods to practice self-compassion
Our inner critic roams freely in our heads, but we can take control by practicing mindfulness and meditation. Franssen recommends "Loving Kindness Meditation," a guided practice that uses words and imagery to strengthen positive emotions and empathy towards oneself.
"It's as easy as taking a 10-minute break during lunch to step outside and listen to a meditation podcast," Franssen explains. Combined with cognitive behavioral therapy (a talking therapy that empowers you to identify and change negative thoughts and behaviors), Loving Kindness Meditation can activate regions of the brain involved in emotional processing and empathy. This activation might explain the stress reduction and enhancement of positive emotions. "These things increase your happiness and ability to feel and think kindly," Franssen adds.
Can you set aside 10 minutes a day for self-compassion?
While meditation can reduce the frequency of negative self-talk, it doesn't entirely eradicate them. Dr. Carla Marie Manley, a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming book "The Joy of Imperfect Love," suggests that when you find yourself trapped in negative thought patterns, acknowledge it without judging yourself.
"Don't condemn, as that only leads to more negativity, but simply recognize that you're being unkind to yourself in this moment," Manley advises.
When you notice negative self-talk, Manley and Franssen suggest speaking to yourself as you would to a beloved friend. For example, if you didn't get everything on your to-do list done today, instead of beating yourself up for not trying hard enough, highlight what you did manage to accomplish.
Using your name or referring to yourself in the third person creates a psychological distance between your usual self-critical reactions, allowing you to better manage your emotions. People are also more likely to feel empathy when they describe situations, like when you catch up with a friend to discuss a challenge they're facing.
Soft reminders to be kind to yourself, using friendly phrases, or speaking well of yourself when needed, can also help. If you need help refocusing, seek inspiration from social media accounts that often post affirmations, like "I deserve greatness" or "Today will be a fantastic day." It may seem cheesy, but Franssen suggests that repeatedly affirming positive statements can make it easier to develop a positive internal dialogue.
Set aside time to silence your inner critic
It takes time to transform your inner critic into a loving companion. Remember, it's not an overnight process. That's why Manley emphasized the importance of gentle intervals. When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, a 15-minute break to read a book, take a relaxing walk, or meditate can provide enough rest and clarity to feel more present.
Manley adds that we often strive to treat others well and put their needs before our own. However, if we don't tend to our physical and emotional well-being, how can we expect to be beneficial to others?
Our inner critic's voice can escalate the fear it triggers. Negative self-talk can also worsen depression.
To silence your inner critic permanently, it can be helpful to set aside regular 10-minute intervals and practice Loving Kindness Meditation along with cognitive behavioral therapy.
References
- Reilly TF, et al. (2019). Self-compassion, psychological well-being, and structures of psychological distress: An examination of the moderating role of trait mindfulness. Cognitive Therapy and Research. 43(4), 625–635.
- Park S, et al. (2018). The effects of a compassion-focused intervention on trust in self and others among Korean adults. Perspectives on Psychological Science. 13(4), 584–593.
- Holzel BK, et al. (2011). How does mindfulness meditation work? Proposing mechanisms of action from a conceptual and neural perspective. Perspectives on Psychological Science. 6(6), 537–559.
- Moore A, et al. (2019). A systematic review of the efficacy of meditation in reducing stress, anxiety, depression and pain in adults. Psychology Research and Behavior Management. 11, 1563644.
- Neff SC. (2011). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude towards oneself. Perspectives on Psychological Science. 6(2), 183–189.
