Family Gatherings and Christmas Arguments: Busting Holiday Misconceptions
After stringing up twinkling lights, decorating the tree, and belting out holiday jingles, families finally gather around the table for a hearty meal. The cozy scene spread throughout media depicts the "Festival of Love." However, according to psychologists, this idealized Christmas image sets the stage for unrealistic expectations and irksome arguments.
"Although we may still link Christmas to a tranquil, sacred night filled with love, rosy cheeks, and sweets, many families know the clash of interests that can arise during festive celebrations," explains Frankfurt-based psychologist Christine Backhaus.
The Autopilot of Christmas Patterns
Hamburg-based psychologist Susanne Schmal puts the common occurrence of Christmas squabbles down to deeply ingrained patterns that manifest during family gatherings, acting like an "autopilot".
"These patterns act as an unconscious force that's triggered during holiday celebrations, causing family members to revert to old roles—whether child or parent—and eventually lead to disagreements," says Schmal.
Upsetting the Routine
From an adult's perspective, celebrating with the family for just a day can escalate tension for several reasons.
- Orchestrated Rules: The anticipation and the yearly repetition of these festive traditions result in a certain set of rules and expectations for family members.
- Fear of Upsetting Structure: Often, changing these long-established rules or routines is programmed to act as a stressor for many people, heightening feelings of apprehension and fear of altercations.
Transforming the Festive Season
In order to confront and optimize the holiday season by diminishing the chances of conflict, families might consider several approaches.
- Open Communication: Engage in honest and respectful dialogue with loved ones ahead of the gathering, discussing and agreeing upon expectations, plans, and limitations.
- Changing the Narrative: Embrace the opportunity to modify the traditional holiday festivities to better fit their needs and interests, prioritizing a visiting schedule, gift-giving rituals, or meal preparation.
Positive Reinforcement
Supporting the sentiment of love and respect throughout the festive season can be achieved by adopting the following strategies.
- Establish Ground Rules: Set clear boundaries and limitations for behavior and communication during the family gathering, thereby eliminating heated topics and focusing on positive, peaceful interactions. This can especially apply to the children, ensuring they feel secure and supported during the holidays.
Active Listening Skills
Actively listening and responding appropriately, which is an essential for maintaining healthy communication within families, can be developed through:
- Being an attentive listener, offering genuine emotions to show understanding and encouragement.
- Producing reflective statements to reflect on what the speaker has expressed, fostering empathy and strengthening bonds.
Allowing Time for Reflection
Taking a moment to self-reflect on personal needs and desires can pave the way for openness and vulnerability when sharing feelings with family.
- Reflect on internal feelings and requirements during the holiday season. Consider addressing individual requirements of rest, space, or leisure time to facilitate a more enjoyable and harmonious celebration.
- Address these needs directly by communicating with family members, creating dialogue around personal desires to foster understanding and cooperation during the holiday season.
Seeking Possible Solutions
When confronting disagreements during the festive season, approach with the notion of achieving cooperation rather than sparking anger. Utilize the below methods to find mutually beneficial solutions:
- Employ a "you, me, us" problem-solving method, addressing each person's feelings while maintaining empathy and resilience to find shared solutions.
- Plan for contentious conversations by promoting open and proactive discussions on conflicts before they become problematic during the celebration.
Regularly Scheduled Family Meetings
Regular family meetings can work wonders in encouraging open communication and addressing potential celebratory derailments.
- Introduce periodic family meetings to discuss shared interests, feelings, and potential conflicts beforehand, fostering a sense of unity and cooperation.
Shaping Christmas Arguments into Sparks of Change
By engaging in open communication with family, building upon shared experiences, and establishing clear boundaries and respect, families can transform their Christmas gatherings from potential arguments into meaningful bonding experiences.
