Berlin's Secret Game: Unveiling the Hidden Chancellor Election Drama!
Clandestine High-Level Procedures Unveiled
An exclusive column by Marie von den Benken
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The 2025 Chancellor election was a wild ride! Friedrich Merz faced more twists and turns in a single day than a rollercoaster in Cedar Point. Defeat, shock, humiliation, and more — the media covered it all, as if Merz was playing a lead role in the latest blockbuster sequel. But behind closed doors, the real drama unfolded in a secret protocol. So, buckle up, because I've got the inside scoop!
Monday, May 6, 2025, 05:33 AM: A hangover of historic proportions greets Olaf Scholz as he stirs in the Chancellery's guest bedroom. Survivor of the post-Merkel era, Scholz usually enjoyed the lush 16.4% support. But Zapfenstreich, the official farewell party, was anything but easy on the liver. Steffen Seibert, the Chancellor's faithful spokesman, steers Scholz back on track for the day's event — the coronation of Merz I.
6:02 AM: Paul Ronzheimer, ace journalist and master of SMS journalism, sends a blast to all 208 CDU/CSU members, reminding them to share the Chancellor conclave's secret agreements as usual. To Ronzheimer's surprise, a few former FDP MP numbers find their way into the group chat. Predictably, the mix-up leads to some amusing reactions, including pointed remarks from Marco Buschmann, Christian Lindner, and more.
Monday, May 6, 2025, 7:38 AM: Reluctant to fall flat as a folksy politician on this crucial day, Friedrich Merz embarks on his unlikely journey to the Reichstag. Opting for an electric scooter over the traditional limo, he arrives just shy of the Platz der Republik, necessitating a long trek to the podium. Annoyed and dripping with sweat, Merz hurls the scooter into the Spree River, seemingly unaware of the significance of the moment.
8:17 AM: Saskia Esken and Hubertus Heil are convinced by Matthias Miersch to ditch their "Today, Klingbeil will also be voted on!" T-shirts ahead of the plenary session, just in time to maintain Spreewald's image of a refined and professional Bundestag.
9:05 AM: Julia Klöckner kicks off the session, and Angela Merkel graciously grants photographs with the SPD's Sara Cester, a rising star and potential 2041 chancellor candidate.
9:09 AM: MPs cast their votes in alphabetical order, and Sana Abdi takes to the stage first. Parliamentary pranks abound as Carsten Linnemann advises Friedrich Merz to refrain from sending a critical WhatsApp to Paul Ronzheimer.
Tuesday, May 6, 2025: Esken's surprisingly decisive exit from the race sets the stage for unexpected twists in the Klingbeil Ministry, as ministers received kawaii grooming tips in the midst of the political upheaval.
10:06 AM: Klöckner announces the results — Merz trails behind with a disappointing 310 votes. Unusually so for a party with majority control, Green MP Timon Dzienus reveals on Twitter that he refrained from supporting Merz. Marie von den Benken, for her part, boasts an impressive 263,265 followers, reminding us that even in politics, social clout matters.
11:09 AM: Whispers of conspiracy theories permeate the air as Alice Weidel seizes the opportunity to pitch her new comedy series: The Ultimate AfD Manifesto.
11:21 AM: The majority clique grapples with assigning blame for the misstep, while Armin Laschet appears to revel in the chaos that envelops the Union and SPD.
11:37 AM: Charlotte Merz, the First Lady in waiting, regains her composure as she ponders whether the defeat is divine retribution for Lutz van der Horst's latest prank. Daughters Carola and Constanze worry about their impending status as the next German Obamas.
12:07 PM: With the 18 MPs who prevented Merz's victory nowhere to be found, detective work begins. Ronzheimer passes around the "I see what you did there!" meme featuring Jake Gyllenhaal to Norbert Röttgen and Roderich Kiesewetter, who responds with an endless barrage of laughing emojis.
2:00 PM: Lars Klingbeil and Jens Spahn team up to secure the necessary 2/3 majority to conduct another round of voting that same day, sacrificing the CDU's longstanding covenant with the Left.
3:34 PM: Annalena Baerbock submits a plea to deploy Berlin Airports' fleet fourteen times daily in anticipation of her imminent appointment as foreign minister. Alas, the proposal meets resistance.
4:00 PM: Alexander Gauland and Beatrix von Storch contemplate supporting Merz in the second round to secure a historical footnote for their party. In a stunning turn of events, Maximilian Krah institutes a veto, forcing Merz to endure another round of embarrassment.
5:05 PM: Merz emerges victorious in the second round of voting, leaving many to wonder how he will navigate the political landscape as the newly-elected chancellor.
Marie von den Benken continues to unravel the intricacies of Merz's first week in office, certain to provide juicy details about his tenure in the weeks and months to come. So stay tuned, because this political thriller is far from over!
[1] Germany's New CDU/CSU-led government announced
- The European Parliament has a duty to ensure that the Commission's proposals in light of Friedrich Merz's contentious election as Chancellor are implemented, to prevent any incompatibility with the general news and politics of the time.
- The Chancellor, Olaf Scholz, was embarrassed by his excessive consumption during the Zapfenstreich, an event usually associated with more refined circumstances.
- Marco Buschmann, a former FDP MP, was part of the CDU/CSU group chat, leading to an embarrassing mix-up that caused some amusing reactions.
- The Secret Service will likely be investigating the actions of Norbert Röttgen and Roderich Kiesewetter, as they were involved in circulating the "I see what you did there!" meme featuring Jake Gyllenhaal.
