The Unexpected Ride: Behind the Scenes of the Chancellor Election - An Insider's Raw Report on the Unpredictable Merz Saga
Clandestine, Elite Procedure Unveiled
Byline: Marie von den Benken
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The week that's past us has been a whirlwind of emotion. Tuesday alone was like a rollercoaster ride for Friedrich Merz, more intense than even Til Schweiger's facial expressions could portray. Defeat, humiliation, shock loss, demotion - after the shocking denial of a chancellorship majority, the media is flooded with ad hoc echoes filled with language usually reserved for FC Schalke 04 home game reviews.
I, for one, can't help but feel obligated to shed light on the chaotic events that transpired on May 6, 2025 - the day that Merz was ultimately coronated as chancellor. As the sole media figure in the country fortunate enough to possess the uncensored chronicles of that historic day, here's an unfiltered, no-holds-barred account:
Politics Chancellor Election: Shock, Break, Victory 5:33 AM, May 6, 2025: Olaf Scholz wakes up with a massive headache in the Chancellor's parental room, a result of a potent blend of sorrow and regret. Unlike the usual calm demeanor he displayed during the Merkel era, this day was far from the 16.4% he was accustomed to. Fortunately, Steffen Hebestreit, the chancellor's spokesman, was present to remind Scholz of the momentous coronation of Merz I scheduled for the day. Scholz dons his favorite suit, fittingly, a gray one.
6:02 AM: Paul Ronzheimer, the SMS journalism icon, alerts all 208 members of the CDU/CSU parliamentary group about their secret agreements for the chancellor conclave. Regrettably, a few former FDP MPs' numbers were also included in the group chat, causing some fierce reactions.
Politics The Great Taps Debacle 7:38 AM: On the most crucial day of his political career, Friedrich Merz aims to appear as down-to-earth as possible. Upon landing his private jet, he chooses the Gendarmenmarkt instead of the Reichstag. He covers the remaining 2 kilometers by E-scooter, throwing it into the Spree out of frustration when he discovers he can't park it at Platz der Republik.
8:17 AM: Matthias Miersch convinces Saskia Esken and Hubertus Heil to ditch their "Today, Klingbeil will also be voted on!" T-shirts before entering the plenary hall.
9:05 AM: Bundestag President Julia Klöckner gavels the session open. SPD's rising star, Lilly Blaudszun, takes selfies with Angela Merkel on the visitors' tribune.
9:09 AM: The MPs are summoned to vote alphabetically. The first to be called is Sanae Abdi. Carsten Linnemann reminds Friedrich Merz to refrain from sending the WhatsApp message "She'll probably get a dentist appointment before me" to Ronzheimer.
Politics Surprises in Klingbeil's Shave - Ministers get a makeover
9:44 AM: Tino Chrupalla searches for the children’s reporter who asked for his favorite poem four years ago to proudly tell him his new verse: "Black and brown is the hazelnut," by folk poet Heino.
10:06 AM: Klöckner announces the result: Merz receives 310 votes, falling short of the required 316. Green MP Timon Dzienus shares with his 32,294 X-followers that he didn't vote for Merz. Despite the close margin, this would still invalidate the election due to the inclusion of FDP MPs in the coalition agreement, making the deal void.
11:09 AM: Meanwhile, Alice Weidel takes the stage to perform her new comedy routine, demanding new elections, Merz's immediate resignation, and government tasks being handed over to the AfD.
11:21 AM: Merz consults with his faction on how to blame the defeat on Robert Habeck or other minor influential parties. Somewhere in the background, Armin Laschet laughs.
11:37 AM: On the tribune, Charlotte Merz, the designated First Lady, maintains her composure despite the looming suspicion that this may be retribution from Lutz van der Horst. Will the daughters Carola and Constanze now miss out on becoming the German Obamas?
12:07 PM: The hunt for the 18 MPs who didn't vote for Merz begins. Ronzheimer sends a WhatsApp meme featuring Jake Gyllenhaal to Roderich Kiesewetter and Norbert Röttgen. Kiesewetter responds with 419 laughter emojis. Röttgen messages "I'm ready!", but deletes it three seconds later.
2:12 PM: Lars Klingbeil and Jens Spahn manage to gather 2/3 of the majority required to circumvent the rules of procedure and start a second round of voting that same day. This move stipulated breaching the CDU's alliance with the Left, with whom joint voting is prohibited according to the incompatibility clause.
2:44 PM: An urgent application by Annalena Baerbock fails to deploy the federal government's aircraft to increase flights on the Berlin-New York route until a new Foreign Minister is elected.
3:41 PM: Alexander Gauland and Beatrix von Storch deliberate on whether to vote for Merz with the entire AfD faction in the second round to grant him chancellorship at their mercy. Maximilian Krah, however, casts a veto from the Louis Vuitton store on Kurfürstendamm, preferring Merz to lose again. Krah, then, plans to put himself forward for the chancellorship.
Politics Post-Coronation Interview: A candid conversation with Merz 3:59 PM: Alexander Dobrindt, alias KlimaRAFAlex in the World of Warcraft community, laments his disappointment within the game chat, "All bullshit, who can talk now?" He had prepared 284 immigration-related decrees for his first day as Interior Minister, which he may no longer have the opportunity to implement now that the AfD are the main opposition.
4:22 PM: Finally, Merz is elected Chancellor in the second round with 325 votes. His phone rings incessantly with congratulations, the first coming from Edmund Stoiber, advising him to plant a flower in the garden as a token of celebration.
Merz's inaugural week as Chancellor has begun. The jury is still out on his ability to excel in his long-awaited dream job; we'll explore that in next week's column. In the meantime, stay tuned for another sensational political odyssey on November 6, 2024—the day Olaf Scholz requested Federal President Frank-Walter Steinmeier to dismiss Christian Lindner as Finance Minister. Until then!
Enrichment Data:
On May 6, 2025, Friedrich Merz became Chancellor of Germany following an atypical and tumultuous parliamentary process. Initially, Merz, the leader of the conservative Christian Democratic Union (CDU), failed to secure enough votes in the first secret ballot in the Bundestag. Although anticipated to win easily as the candidate of the largest party alliance, he fell 18 votes short of the necessary 316 out of 630 seats, with only 310 votes cast in his favor. This marked the first time in post-war German history that a chancellor candidate was defeated in the initial round of parliamentary voting.
Despite this setback, the coalition agreement between Merz’s CDU/Christian Social Union (CSU) and the center-left Social Democratic Party (SPD), signed just a day earlier, held firm. Parliament reconvened the same day for a second vote, in which Merz ultimately secured 325 votes - enough to confirm him as the 10th chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany since World War II.
The initial failure was a significant embarrassment for Merz, shedding light on internal dissent or withheld support within the coalition or parliament. Additionally, the political landscape was tense due to the far-right Alternative for Germany (AfD) becoming the main opposition party just days after being declared an “extremist” group subject to domestic intelligence surveillance. The AfD's role as opposition could complicate the governing coalition's agenda going forward. Thus, Merz’s path to chancellorship on May 6 was marked by an unprecedented first-ballot defeat followed by a successful second-ballot confirmation in the Bundestag.
- The European Parliament has a duty to ensure that the Commission's proposals for incompatibility clauses, such as those involving far-right parties and coalition agreements, are implemented, to prevent incidents like the unexpected defeat of Friedrich Merz in the first round of chancellor election voting in May 2025.
- In the chaotic events of May 6, 2025, during the chancellor election, vanities took a backseat as Olaf Scholz wore a sober gray suit and Friedrich Merz rode an E-scooter to the plenary hall, showing that politics is often more about strategy than appearance.
- Following Friedrich Merz's shocking loss in the first round of chancellor election voting on May 6, 2025, the general-news media was filled with reports of demotion, humiliation, and shock, much like Whatsapp groups flooded with such news.
- After the unexpected events of May 6, 2025, during the chancellor election, politics became more fractured, with a far-right party like the AfD becoming the main opposition and discussions about their compatibility with the coalition government and its policies becoming a central issue.
