Capital City Briefly Rush Alex Ovechkin's Potential Retirement, Sugar Takes a Beating, and Belichick Possibly Secures Another Championship Ring
It's Saturday mornin', and you know what that means – it's time to catch up on all the gossip from the week gone by, courtesy of us here at The Lowdown.
What a whirlwind week it's been!
There were some jaw-dropping revelations about sugar, Washington Capitals revealed a shocker about Alex Ovechkin's retirement, Bill Belichick might've gotten hitched, and more. So, let's dive right in!
In New York City, a fella was arrested for allegedly holding an Italian businessman hostage for weeks. The twisted bastard tortured the poor guy and threatened to chop his limbs off with a goddamn electric chainsaw. But, get this – prosecutors say they'll seek a lighter sentence because at least he was thinking green, saving on wood chips and all that mess.
Researchers are working on new contact lenses that'll let you see in the dark. Some are calling it the biggest leap forward in perv technology since someone fired a hole in the bottom of a popcorn bucket.
Turkey is cracking down on people who stand up on flights too quickly after landing, and Spirit Airlines has been promptly kicked out of the country. Ballsy move, Turks!
A lady in Washington, D.C., got banned from a hotel after throwing bottles at guests 'cos her "Lord and Savior" Michael Jackson told her to. Brothers, if Jackson's reaching out from beyond, I reckon that's a sign of a wild weekend!
The head honcho at dating app Tinder says they're changing the game as Gen Z ain't interested in hooking up. He's clueless, though – if sex isn't selling, dude, I haven't got a frickin' clue what will!
Miami Marlins player Ronny Simon was emotional on the field after making several errors in a game against the San Diego Padres. It seems there's clear evidence now that crying in baseball is reserved for Marlins players.
Arianna Grande's gonna appear in the fourth installment of the Meet the Parents series. She's all pumped and raring to go, I s'pose – although many would argue this is easily the most superfluous sequel since Caddyshack II.
Pacers star Tyrese Haliburton hit up WNBA player Sue Bird for advice ahead of the playoffs. He reached out to her because of her experience, her insight, and – in his own words – 'cos none of the guys he called picked up their phones. Here's hoping that'll change in the next round!
That's the lowdown on the latest news – see you back here next week!
During the discussion of Miami Marlins player Ronny Simon's tears on the field, one might ponder if the tradition of crying in sports extends to all teams or if it's unique to the Marlins. Meanwhile, in the realm of entertainment, Arianna Grande is set to enter the world of cinematography with her role in the fourth installment of Meet the Parents, a move reminiscent of sports players venturing into a new field.
